THE SPY NEXT DOOR

RYAN: Ok brace yourself. It’s not often we rip a movie a new one.

CAROLINE: Uh oh. You know I don’t like kids’ movies to begin with and mercifully you were willing to see “The Spy Next Door” without me. But you usually like kids’ flicks. What went wrong?

RYAN: Um, everything.

CAROLINE: Begin with Jackie Chan.

RYAN: Okay, look. I’m a fan of the dude. He’s a legend in his own right for what he does and he’s in a movie I love that everyone should see, called “The Forbidden Kingdom.” But you forget he’s ever done anything good before once you see “Spy Next Door.”

CAROLINE: Is he really that bad?

RYAN: Yes! He cannot act at all in this movie. And the script is heinous. It’s just cheesy, stupid, unbelievable dialogue and another actress I like, Amber Valletta, plays his love interest and I’m sorry; no matter how great a guy is, when you look like her and he looks like Jackie Chan, they’re not macking.

CAROLINE: [laughs’ God, no. That’s just absurd.

RYAN: Like, the joke was on us. It was a disgrace. But it doesn’t stop there. The bad guy and the costumes and sight gags were ridiculous. I felt like even kids would think they’re dumb. And even the extras in the movie were bad.

CAROLINE: How is that even possible?

RYAN: You normally don’t even notice people in the background of movies but you could tell that these people were aware they were in a movie cause they were moving so awkwardly. I was embarrassed for them.

CAROLINE: Wow. I don’t know how you made it through this one.

RYAN: Well I didn’t. I walked out about an hour into it.

CAROLINE: What?!?! We never walk out of movies.

RYAN: We did in “Kit Kittredge,” didn’t we?

CAROLINE: Yes but I think we had somewhere else to be for that one – though it was pretty bad too.

RYAN: Oh, and Billy Ray Cyrus is in it.

CAROLINE: Ew.

— BOTTOM LINE —

RYAN: By all means, skip this movie. You’re better off giving repeat business to “The Princess and the Frog” or “Alvin – The Squeakquel.”

— RATING —