THE KARATE KID
CAROLINE: Our least anticipated movie of the year, The Karate Kid, hits theaters tomorrow, and I suffered the shame of seeing it alone. All two hours and twenty minutes of it.
RYAN: Painful! Honey, I wish I could say I would have joined you, but wild horses couldn’t have dragged me.
CAROLINE: I really took one for the team here. For starters, it’s a kids’ movie. And even worse, I had read online that it was only 90 minutes long, and I was thrilled… only to discover that I’d been woefully misinformed. I started dying around the 90 minute mark, and then there was almost another whole hour. I’m not sure how I survived.
RYAN: Please tell me it really is as bad as we feared.
CAROLINE: Honestly, it’s not a badly made movie; I’m just mad that it was made, period. I loved the original so much and I don’t think it needed remaking. I guess an update would have been OK, and that’s more of what this movie is. It’s got some major differences from the first one in that it takes place in China, and it’s kung fu not karate. Plus the kid is only 12, so that makes the whole high school drama vibe of the original very different.
RYAN: Let’s cut to the chase – we cannot stand that little Jaden Smith and he’s what makes this movie unbearable.
CAROLINE: Exactly. It irritates me that his parents, Will and Jada Smith, bought him a movie role. It irritates me that he’s such an entitled twerp on the red carpet. It irritates me that he has Bo Derek hair and looks like a little girl. It irritates me that someone told him he was good at popping and locking so they managed to incorporate him doing that in the movie. And he has all these dumb one-liners that he doesn’t deliver well.
RYAN: Don’t hold back now.
CAROLINE: He’s just not that talented of an actor. We all know this movie only exists because of his parents, who are also producers on the film.
RYAN: But if you can put your hatred of him aside, what did you think of the movie?
CAROLINE: Well, they lost of lot of drama and emotion by having him be so young. There’s none of the teen angst; though they do try to drum up a love story with him and a very cute 12-year-old girl, which is painfully unbelievable. I missed all the high school dating drama of the original.
RYAN: Yeah, maybe the Smiths should have waited a few years to make this movie.
CAROLINE: Plus Jaden is so freakishly tiny. All the other kids tower over him. I didn’t feel any connection between him and his mom, who’s played by Taraji P. Henson, or much emotion between him and Jackie Chan for that matter.
RYAN: And how is Mr. Chan in the Mr. Miyagi role?
CAROLINE: He’s great. His one fight scene is so awesome, and his acting is actually quite good. I much preferred him in this type of role rather than that ridiculous Rush Hour stuff. All the kung fu scenes are great, and very well choreographed. The audience was cheering at the end. The tournament is exciting… but not nearly as exciting as I remember the first one being.
RYAN: Is it possible that since you saw this movie as a kid, you have overly fond memories of it? I mean, it’s one of the seminal films of the ’80s, and it came out at the height of our adolescence. And now you’re an adult who almost always hates family films.
CAROLINE: This is true, and I may have revisionist memories of how good the first one is. I just remember loving it so much, and the new version is so unnecessarily long. I have never wanted to watch an original film as much as I did while watching this remake. Long live Ralph Macchio and Pat Morita!
— BOTTOM LINE —
CAROLINE: I think this will appeal to kids and families. As we know, it’s a great underdog story. But I’m irritated that the movie exists at all, especially since Jaden Smith is so unworthy. It’s a great role for Jackie Chan though, and I really enjoyed him. The scenery of the Chinese countryside is also beautiful. But ultimately, it’s a kids’ movie, so I was bored out of my mind.
— RATING —
