THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES BY THE COWARD ROBERT FORD

RYAN: We were lucky enough to attend the red carpet premiere of the new Brad Pitt movie, the entire plot of which can be summed up by the title: “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.” Thanks so much, Luke Fontneau!

CAROLINE: In truth, it’s Casey Affleck’s movie, not Brad Pitt’s.

RYAN: You mean Jennifer Garner’s brother-in-law?

CAROLINE: Yes, that very one, uncle to Violet.

RYAN: Violet’s uncle was quite good in this movie. He had a much more emotional role than Brad Pitt did as Jesse James.

CAROLINE: Brad’s role was not as meaty; he just played the bad guy. This movie never got off the ground for me. It started slow and I kept expecting it to build, but it didn’t.

RYAN: BTW it’s like 3 hours long.

CAROLINE: Seriously, this movie is as long as its title.

RYAN: The first half was really slow and I wasn’t emotionally connected to it; but I really got into the second half. It became the movie I wanted it to be. I sat up in my seat and it was much more exciting.

CAROLINE: Well, you dozed for a good 20-30 minutes of the first half, so…

RYAN: No, I didn’t.

CAROLINE: Ha! I looked at you several times and your eyes were shut.

RYAN: They may have been shut, but I didn’t actually sleep. I was still listening.

CAROLINE: Whatever, you were totally asleep. And I think I dozed a little myself. I’m glad the second half picked up for you because it really didn’t for me. I did like the last 5 minutes of the movie though. And the acting was great. But I just never cared about this movie. LBH, I’m probably not the target audience for it.

RYAN: And Mary-Louise Parker is totally useless as Jesse James’s wife.

CAROLINE: All the women have thankless roles in this movie. Mary-Louise Parket, Alison Elliott who I loved so much in “Spitfire Grill” many years ago, and Zooey Deschanel who appears for about 5 minutes at the end. It’s clearly not a women’s movie.

RYAN: Zooey, however, does get to sing and even though she’s not a very good singer, it’s nice to see an actress use her real voice in a movie. Also, I want to give a shout-out to the very hot Paul Schneider who plays Dick Liddil.

CAROLINE: Yes! I recognized him immediately when I saw him but couldn’t place him. Our friend Todd, who joined us for the movie, told me he was in “The Family Stone,” so that’s clearly where I knew him from. And let’s not forget the always-incredible Sam Rockwell.

RYAN: He’s awesome. There’s even a tushy scene! Naked male booty in the snow.

CAROLINE: Dead booty, no less.

RYAN: Bottom line?

CAROLINE: I can’t in good faith recommend this film. It’s a really long 2 hour and 40 minute snoozefest. It’s a Western, but it’s like a low-impact Western. There’s very little action. It’s a slow, plodding movie about the James Gang and its inner workings and I just didn’t care.

RYAN: Totally. Buy your ticket, show up an hour and a half late and you’ll love this movie. However, the music is outstanding and the director did some really interesting shots where it was kind of a fisheye; the outer rim is blurred but the center is in focus. I was trying to figure out why certain shots were like that, and I think he used it for key foreshadowing moments.

CAROLINE: Clearly I didn’t give it that much thought.

RYAN: Overall, it’s an excellently made film, but I was not entertained for the first half. The second half was much better. But it’s no “3:10 to Yuma,” which fully engaged me from beginning to end.