The Academy Awards 2009

5:45pm

RYAN: Oh joyous night! I’m so Abba-solutely excited I might have just peed a teaspoon in my pants.

CAROLINE: [laughs’ The fashion, the star power, the entertainment and the hottest host the world over, Hugh Jackman!

RYAN: He’s bringin’ his Huge Ackman tonight!

CAROLINE: I’m ready for the Barbara Walters special, the red carpet, you name it.

RYAN: I don’t care if the show is seven hours long tonight – I just want it.

CAROLINE: Well simmer down there, Donna. You say that now, but when random person X is boring us about some awards business B.S. we’ll be praying they speed things up.

8:39pm

RYAN: Best Oscar show opening ever!

CAROLINE: I’m amazed at the incredible talent that is Hugh Jackman! I didn’t know he was such a good dancer. And by the by, could he be any hotter?

RYAN: That would be no. But let me just say, the duet between Anne and Hugh was one of the best moments of my life. I could probably go home now and die happy.

CAROLINE: I have high hopes for the show tonight. It started with such a bang – hopefully it’ll just continue and get even better. Except I’m not sure about this random Best Supporting Actress montage.

RYAN: It’s all good. I’m so excited I might have to wear a seatbelt.

8:46pm

CAROLINE: Goldie Hawn has the worst plastic surgery ever. Somebody needs to revoke her plastic surgeon’s license.

RYAN: It’s time for her to retire.

8:49pm

CAROLINE: Wow, Penny Cruz! Good job, girl. And I can actually understand what she’s saying for a change.

RYAN: The new way they’re presenting awards with 5 former winners is amazing. I love seeing all the nominees tear up. It’s very emotional. I’m happy for Penny – and tonight’s show looks gorgeous!

CAROLINE: Too bad Pénelope is the second worst dressed of the night after Beyoncé.

9:00pm

RYAN: I love this new style of presenting the awards!

CAROLINE: It’s cool but it threatens to make the show go until 3am.

RYAN: Dustin Lance Black is so political! And I love it when a man weeps.

CAROLINE: He’s really getting on a soapbox here.

RYAN: I don’t care. He’s brilliant – young, fresh, hip. He deserves this award. His acceptance speech gave me the chills.

9:05pm

CAROLINE: Tina Fey can never quite get her outfit right, can she?

RYAN: I think she looks OK.

CAROLINE: Honey, this is the Oscars. She needs to look better than OK.

RYAN: I just love how they’re showing the scripts come to life onscreen. It’s so dramatic.

CAROLINE: No big shock that Simon Beaufoy won Best Adapted Screenplay. It’s the first of many wins for “Slumdog Millionaire” tonight.

9:15pm

RYAN: How awkward is it that they keep cutting to Angelina as Jenny Ani talks?? I’m dying!

CAROLINE: It’s kind of mean.

9:23pm

RYAN: I’m so impressed with the sets this year! I love how it’s all taking us there, you know? It’s really a gorgeous design.

CAROLINE: It’s pretty cool, I must admit. I like what they’ve done this year to mix it up.

RYAN: Oh darn it! I was pulling for “Australia” to win for costume design.

CAROLINE: Yeah, but the costumes in “The Duchess” were so amazing. We were stunned by how beautiful they were when we saw it, remember?

RYAN: I know; I just wanted “Australia” to win something.

9:33pm

CAROLINE: Oh no, Ben Stiller is doing a Joaquin impression?! Didn’t he see that someone already did that last night at the Independent Spirit Awards?

RYAN: Oh God, he’s tanking. You’re know you’re bad at comedy when Natalie Portman is funnier than you.

CAROLINE: I love Natalie’s hot pink dress though.

RYAN: Hold on, Ben’s getting funnier. Oh wait, no he isn’t.

9:45pm

CAROLINE: OMG that “Pineapple Express” skit was hilar!! I’m dying.

RYAN: Seriously, that might be the best thing since Anne Hathaway singing with Hugh Jackman. But really, let’s bring out the Zefron singing sensation already.

9:57pm

RYAN: Holy okay. The ode to the movie musical had so much going for it that just didn’t pan out. Maybe my expectations were too high; but why was Beyoncé lip-syncing?

CAROLINE: I’m sure I don’t know. And they all were sweating like pigs up there. Sometimes the HD TV isn’t a good thing.

RYAN: I love that they ended with the line from “Over the Rainbow,” but the whole thing gypped Zac Efron.

CAROLINE: And the “Mamma Mia!” kids were toast. Meanwhilst, let’s take this commercial break to give a shout out to our lovely host this evening – my dear friend Loulie, brilliant president of Loulie Walker Events.

RYAN: Her cupcakes rival your Rice Krispie Treats.

CAROLINE: You take that back.

10:08pm

RYAN: Brace yourselves. Heath Ledger is gonna win it and now we can all get on with the rest of our lives.

CAROLINE: I think Alan Arkin is an early contender for this year’s onstage stroke. He can’t even say Philip Seymour Hoffman’s name right!

RYAN: Heath’s family…

CAROLINE: Ew! The Adrien Brody cutaway just terrified me.

RYAN: He looks so scraggly. Maybe he could play the Joker in the next Batman movie.

CAROLINE: Oh that would be good. Heath’s family kept it together really well. That must have been tough. BTW: Hi Jessica! Thanks for the live comments!

10:34pm

RYAN: OMG It’s The Will Smith Show! Is Hugh Jackman in the restroom or what?

CAROLINE: Really. I guess it’s their way of making the show movie along faster. But why is Will Smith’s hair sparkling?

RYAN: It’s so glittery. I’m torn.

11:02pm

CAROLINE: As predicted, “Slumdog Millionaire” is sweeping the night. This is unbelievable. Meanwhile, where’s Hugh Jackman?

RYAN: Maybe he’s stuck somewhere backstage. That Bollywood number was somethin’. I’m ready for some major awards now though.

11:06pm

CAROLINE: Oh, here’s Hugh.

RYAN: I love him. He’s perfect. Do you think Kate Winslet will cry when she wins Best Actress?

CAROLINE: Yes.

11:08pm

RYAN: These short segments are unacceptable. Bring on the major awards!

CAROLINE: You already said that. They’re up next.

RYAN: Why aren’t the commercials as good for The Oscars as they are for the Superbowl?

CAROLINE: Shh. The good awards are on. But first we have to watch the death tribute.

RYAN: I love a good montage.

CAROLINE: Brilliant song, Queen. Brilliant.

11:32pm

CAROLINE: And Danny Boyle wins. Big shock. I’m over it. “Slumdog” was cute but not all that.

RYAN: Yeah, these awards are so predictable. But the show is fabulous this year.

11:27pm

CAROLINE: Oh my God, Sophia Loren is a disaster of epic proportions!! What is she wearing? What is that dress? What’s wrong with her skin? I need therapy.

RYAN: She looks like a pinata. OMG. Nikky Kidman looks amazing. I had no idea she was gonna be there. I’m loving all of the surprises tonight.

CAROLINE: Halle Berry! Has she ever looked more stunning?

RYAN: And again. Not a surprise. Kate Winslet.

CAROLINE: Yes! Yes! Yes! I just did a fist pump.

11:36pm

RYAN: What is wrong with her? She’s the first Best Actress not to cry. That blows.

CAROLINE: I was relieved she held it together. That’s the way you’re supposed to give an acceptance speech. Now the Brits can stop hating on her.

11:42pm

RYAN: STANDING O! I feel so happy Sean Penn is the winner!

CAROLINE: And that’s it for Mickey Rourke. I’ve never been so glad to be wrong. I was convinced he was going to win, but Sean so deserves it. Hooray!

RYAN: Sean is so cool. Loved his performance in “Milk” and this is such a deserving win. It’s such an important movie that I’m so happy it’s getting this recognition.

11:47pm

RYAN: Here we go – Best Picture.

CAROLINE: Boring! So predictable. “Slumdog Millionaire.” Everyone knew it but I’m still irritated. Again, it’s a cute, charming film, but not the picture of the year.

RYAN: I know, but we all knew it was coming. Meanwhile, why did Sean Penn not thank his wife?

CAROLINE: Honey, it’s a miracle they’re even still together.

RYAN: What a terrific Oscar show! I loved almost every moment of it. It really delivered… and so did you with your yummy treats. Thank you, darling.

CAROLINE: And thanks Loulie for hosting!