SWING VOTE
RYAN: There’s a new Kevin Costner movie in town called “Swing Vote” and it sucks.
CAROLINE: [laughs’ I had to opt out of this screening due to other plans, and I can’t say I’m disappointed. It seemed like a family film, which isn’t my bag. Tell me more.
RYAN: For starters, it’s two hours and seven minutes long, which is just way too long for a family film. It’s incredibly well cast, but the best actors are underused. For example, Nathan Lane is in it but he doesn’t have even one comedic or endearing moment. He literally just does straight dialogue – no pun intended on the “straight.”
CAROLINE: Wow.
RYAN: Kelsey Grammer is also in it, but the only co-star who had anything good to do was Mare Winningham. She had an amazing, almost Oscar nomination worthy scene, but she’s only in the movie for three minutes.
CAROLINE: I didn’t even know these people were in it! Are they in the trailer?
RYAN: Yes.
CAROLINE: Shows you how closely I was paying attention.
RYAN: The good news is that the little girl who plays Kevin Costner’s daughter is very well cast. Finally someone to rival Dakota Fanning and Abigail Breslin! She’s gorgeous and very good, though not amazing.
CAROLINE: Most importantly, how is Kevin Costner and how is he looking? I thought he looked hot on the poster.
RYAN: His body looks good but his neck and face look bad. He plays a slob who never cleans up his act and has scruff the whole time. This is his worst performance ever. It’s actually embarrassing.
CAROLINE: OMG what’s so bad about it?
RYAN: He plays an idiot and he comes across as idiotic himself. He couldn’t pull off this role. The main characteristic he developed as an acting device to come across as an idiot is this nervous laugh that he does in almost every line. I saw this movie with my friend Jonathan and our ears were bleeding every time Kevin opened his mouth. It was an atrocity of a performance. He should win the Razzie Award for Worst Actor.
CAROLINE: Is there a good political message at least?
RYAN: There are a couple of funny political moments, and the moral of the story is that every vote counts. There’s one funny part where both the Republicans and the Democrats radically change their views just to get Kevin’s character to vote for their candidate. It’s funny, but it’s also a sad commentary on how low politicians will go to get the vote. They’ll change their beliefs and betray their own party just to woo this guy.
CAROLINE: I really can’t thank my friend enough for throwing a party that prevented me from attending this screening with you. It sounds terrible, and even worse than I expected.
RYAN: I was actually looking forward to seeing it, so you can imagine how disappointed I was. Oddly, even though it’s a Disney movie, there are curse words in it and they show 11-year-old kids driving their drunken parents home from bars. I was like, “How is Disney involved in this?”
CAROLINE: Did the movie make you laugh even once?
RYAN: Maybe once. Regrettably.
CAROLINE: Bottom line?
RYAN: This is one of the worst films ever. This is not going to be a good weekend for new movies. Woe is the moviegoer this weekend. The end of this movie is so bad that the audience actually booed. Skip it for sure.