SHINE A LIGHT
RYAN: “Shine a Light” is a new… documentary I guess you could call it, about the Rolling Stones.
CAROLINE: It’s not even really a documentary; it’s just a live concert movie a la the Hannah Montana movie of a few weeks hence. I would have preferred it to be more of a doc in the vein of “Truth or Dare.” The first ten minutes are kind of like that, and I was like, “Cool. Maybe I’ll learn something about the Stones.” But then the rest is just a concert, and I don’t really give a crap about the Rolling Stones. Suffice it to say I was bored to tears.
RYAN: It’s directed by Martin Scorsese, and it’s his first film since the Oscar-winning “Departed.” I only wanted to see this movie because I saw online that Christina Aguilera was in it and she’s my favorite.
CAROLINE: Sadly she doesn’t make her appearance until the end, or I may have considered leaving the movie early. Christina sounds good as usual, and she does her best impression of a porn star. She’s bleached into oblivion, tanned within an inch of her life, she’s wearing the highest heels I’ve ever seen and she has more makeup on than a tranny.
RYAN: There was absolutely nothing porn-ish about her look in my opinion. It was an appropriate outfit for someone totally vamped out and onstage with the Rolling Stones. She looked completely classy and was totally covered up. She had big diva hair, dark, smoky makeup with high heels and she looked hot.
CAROLINE: Hot and classy are two very different things. Jack White also makes a guest appearance.
RYAN: It’s his first film since “Cold Mountain” except for that little cameo he had in “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story.”
CAROLINE: And I don’t think Renée Zellweger had a hand in getting him the role this time.
RYAN: [laughs’ Unfortunately, our screening’s volume was way too loud. You literally sat there plugging your ears the entire time and I felt sorry for you.
CAROLINE: I was miserable. I feel as though I’ve lost 40% of my hearing. Not because the music is bad; just way too loud.
RYAN: The concert looked like it was really fun, but you’d have to be a huge fan of the Stones to go see this movie. It’s not something I would normally choose to see.
CAROLINE: I’m not particularly a Stones fan so take everything I saw with a grain of salt, but I ask you – are there four more grizzled, manorexic men in the world than these guys? I don’t think any of them has eaten in three weeks.
RYAN: How do they stay so skinny? They have the faces of corpses. They are so wrinkled and leathery. But they all have great hair and they’re skinnier than Ellen Pompeo on “Grey’s Anatomy.”
CAROLINE: Keith Richards looks like death on a roll. He can hardly put a sentence together. It looks like he exited his crypt to come onstage and light a cigarette. But Mick Jagger has the energy and stamina of a 21-year-old. It’s unreal.
RYAN: I like the way he moves. He seemed like he was having a lot of fun.
CAROLINE: Sometimes he walks like he’s a little bit crippled though. Like he can’t put his foot completely flat on the ground.
RYAN: He’s got those Ally McBeal lips. I love that they played “Sympathy for the Devil” because that’s the one Stones song that I really like.
CAROLINE: It’s well shot obviously, and I’m sure if you’re a Rolling Stones fan, you’ll love it. Bottom line?
RYAN: It is what it is. It’s a concert movie. If Xtina or the Spice Girls or Madonna did one, I’d be first in line; but in this case I only saw it ‘cuz it was free. I guess it was worth it for Christina.
CAROLINE: Barely. If this were a band I cared about, I’m sure I would have loved it; but as it stands, I was miserable. They play all their hits, which is nice. It was filmed at a benefit concert in NYC at the Beacon Theater, which is a pretty small venue so there’s an intimacy to it.
RYAN: Bill Clinton was there and it was fun to see him and Hillary.
CAROLINE: Other than that, it’s just two hours of the Rolling Stones playing; so if you don’t dig them, don’t see this movie.