San Andreas Review

RYAN: It’s this week’s new, Summer blockbuster, courtesy of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  And there are a lot of rocks flying around in this movie.

CAROLINE: God.  That’s not even a little punny.

RYAN: Right? That’s just to give you an example of how bad the script is in this movie.  It can barely recover.

CAROLINE: Wait, are people really going to see this for the story?  It’s an effects show.

RYAN: Yes it’s a spectacle, catastrophe film.  But how much more effort would it have required to allow one decent writer to take a pass at the script to either make the humor attempts work, or eliminate them?

CAROLINE: That bad, huh?

RYAN: Worse.  It’s the opposite of what Joss Whedon (writer/director of The Avengers) does.  He can throw a funny line in without breaking the momentum of the action and intensity but the dialogue in San Andreas is so cringe-worthy, the film keeps screeching to a halt whenever there’s a huge effect and someone throws a dumb joke it.  No one would ever do that under these circumstances and it kinda ruins the movie.

CAROLINE: Sounds g’dawful.

RYAN: ‘Tis.  But… the effects really are fantastic.  They’re so lifelike that it reminded me of being in NYC during 9/11.  And that’s not good.  I feel like this movie could give you PTSD.  The action is almost like a horror movie.  Like – I’m gonna have nightmares about earthquakes.  I’m afraid to move to LA, except I am looking forward to visiting there end of July.

CAROLINE: (laughs) Nice contradiction.  It does look like it could be more thriller than action movie.

RYAN: It is.  Dwayne is ok.  I love him but he doesn’t have the dramatic chops required in some scenes.  It’s also just bad, cutesy writing.  Paul Giamatti is fine.  Carla Gugino is reduced to a typical femme fatale.  But those earthquakes are, like, monsters – they’re their own characters.  You almost become desensitized to all the visual horror.

CAROLINE: How are the kids in it?

RYAN: Fine.  Oh – wait.  Randomly, Kylie Minogue has a bit part, does a terrific American accent and that is all.

CAROLINE: (laughs) That’s it?  As in the end of the review?!

RYAN: The end of that thought.  The effects, 3D and sound design are all great and it’s a feat of a film, that way.I did jump more in this movie that I do in most horror films I’ve seen.  I will see, if you’re to see it at all, it has to be in the theater.  I think you’d turn it off at home.  So I’ll be generous… but cautionary.  Gnarly script.  You’ve been warned.

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