RUNNING WITH SCISSORS

RYAN: This movie turned out to be the most disappointing event of the year… so far.

CAROLINE: We had high hopes for this film, having very much enjoyed the memoir it’s based on by Augusten Burroughs. I even leant you the book because I liked it so much.

RYAN: And I thanked you quite kindly.

CAROLINE: And you returned it promptly, for which I’m grateful.

RYAN: The thing is, apparently what is funny and interesting on the page is boring and frankly, disgusting and pathetic on the screen.

CAROLINE: Those are some harsh words. I’m gonna stick with just “boring.” I couldn’t believe how long this movie was. I went in with the mistaken impression that it was about ninety minutes, but it was closer to two hours and I lost some good minutes of my life in there.

RYAN: This movie was a total waste of time. I’m so saddened. We were both so excited to see this. Every time we saw the trailer, we were like, “We’ve got to see it immediately!” And as a matter of fact, we saw it at 11am on a Saturday because we were so psyched about it.

CAROLINE: This movie has a great cast, which deceived us into thinking it would be good. I was even excited to see Gwyneth Paltrow again. It’s got Annette Bening, Alec Baldwin, who’s experiencing quite the career renaissance these days and I’m loving it, Joseph Fiennes, Jill Clayburgh, etc.

RYAN: And one of my favorite performers on earth: Kristin Chenoweth, in a charming and brief role.

CAROLINE: And yet nothing was enough to save this film.

RYAN: You speak the “true.” I remember walking into the theater this morning with the great hope that Annette Bening could get an Oscar nom out of this, but now I don’t even care.

CAROLINE: If this movie gets any kind of recognition, I’ll never see another movie again.

RYAN: (laughs) Precisely.

CAROLINE: Bottom line?

RYAN: It was overly stylized, almost to a point that it was a detriment to the film. The performances were fine but it was so slow-moving that after any sort of drama or intensity, it just didn’t move you anywhere. The long pauses were unbearable and just weighed the entire thing down and sunk it, ultimately.

CAROLINE: Totally. There were so many long pauses in this movie and so many scenes without music underneath and some with utter silence, where they dropped out the audio completely. It’s enough to make you want to kill yourself.

RYAN: Once again, I’m sad. Please lower any expectations before venturing to see this movie.

CAROLINE: It was like a slow walk to death row. And you know what else was annoying? The kid who plays Augusten is supposed to be in junior high, but he’s played by a twenty year-old and it’s completely unbelievable. As in, I didn’t believe it.

RYAN: Stay away from this movie. Read the book instead.

CAROLINE: We beg you not to see this movie. Save your ten dollars.

RYAN: Save the whales.

CAROLINE: Free Winona.

RYAN: Feed Mary Kate.

CAROLINE: And Kate Bosworth.

RYAN: Forever and ever. Amen.