REIGN OVER ME
CAROLINE: Well Ryan, I saw “Reign Over Me” and it was seriously the longest two hours of my life.
RYAN: You spend a lot of time thanking me on this blog for seeing movies that you don’t want to see, and I’d like to return the thanks right now cos I could knew this film would be long-winded and tedious.
CAROLINE: I heard someone say as I walked into the theater that the movie had a two hour and five minutes running time, which seemed fully acceptable.
RYAN: Yes – if it’s a good movie.
CAROLINE: But it seriously felt like four hours. I thought it was going to end about fifteen different times but it never did.
RYAN: So was it any good?
CAROLINE: Um, no.
RYAN: I knew it! Even if it were a good movie, I don’t want to look at dirty, homeless Adam Sandler. He’s so fugtastic.
CAROLINE: He’s not homeless in the movie, but he looks like an even homelier Bob Dylan.
RYAN: You just made me throw up a teaspoon in my mouth.
CAROLINE: I’m telling you, his wig was atrocious. And his naso-labial folds are so deep. Boyfriend is not aging well.
RYAN: Does he do that annoying baby-talk-Adam-Sandler-voice?
CAROLINE: Totally! It sounds like he has a speech impediment. So annoying.
RYAN: I must ask you about the most important part of the film – Jaded Pinkett Smith.
CAROLINE: She has a thankless role playing Don Cheadle’s wife. She has a couple of scenes in a Juicy sweat suit but other than that, she’s the stereotypical semi-nagging wife.
RYAN: That’s pathetic.
CAROLINE: The whole movie is about Don Cheadle and Adam Sandler’s friendship and I so didn’t care. I never felt connected to either of them. The only funny thing about the movie is Don Cheadle’s office assistant who’s hilarious. Otherwise it’s just a depressing 9/11 aftermath movie.
RYAN: You’re very brave to have endured it.
CAROLINE: Adam gives one monologue that’s very well-delivered and it brought both me and my friend Cheryl to tears. But that’s not saying much since we’re big pussies.
RYAN: Thanks for saying it for me. What’s your bottom line?
CAROLINE: Don’t even think about seeing this movie. From now on, please give me my Adam Sandler in comedic roles.