POSEIDON

CAROLINE: Ryan… you did me the great favor of seeing “Poseidon” without me.

RYAN: Yes.

CAROLINE: I have you to thank, so thank you.

RYAN: I feel like it’s a favor that, in retrospect, you owe me for. I was on the bandwagon for this film. I did not see the original but this remake sucked arse.

CAROLINE: Well, we were going to see it together and then you went to see it with someone else and lo, it was fine with me because apparently it’s the worst piece of crap EVAH.

RYAN: It’s definitely a contender for the worst film of ’06.

CAROLINE: Wow. And it’s only May.

RYAN: It’s definitely the worst film of the year so far. And here’s why. Why, you ask?

CAROLINE: I do!

RYAN: First of all, it made the fatal error of delving into the catastrophe before giving the audience a chance to develop any kind of attachment for the characters.

CAROLINE: That’s what I hear.

RYAN: You learn nothing about them. You don’t care about these people. And that’s the first offense. The second offense, which is huge in any film, is that it’s so poorly written. The lines are so trite and hackneyed.

CAROLINE: Good word, Ryan!

RYAN: Thank you. You know, things like, “Oh no! We’re all going to drown!”

CAROLINE: (laughs)

RYAN: It was ridiculous. And when someone did meet their fate, you just didn’t care.

CAROLINE: Right, because you never got to know them anyway.

RYAN: It was just lame, lame and lame.

CAROLINE: But I have two important questions – was Josh Lucas hot?

RYAN: Not as hot as the dude sitting next to me… but yes.

CAROLINE: How was Fergie?

RYAN: Fergie was great. She was actually really. She just plays a singer. She doesn’t really act at all but her voice sounded great and she looked really calm and I dug her. Look, for a man of sixty, she’s looking fantastic!

CAROLINE: (chuckles) And what about superskinny Emmy Rossum?

RYAN: Emmy Rossum, it was a little bit of a stiff performance from her.

CAROLINE: She’s totally stiff.

RYAN: She’s our Christine from the movie version of “McPhantom” which I looooove.

CAROLINE: Yes, but I found her stiff there too, and she’s stiff on the red carpet too.

RYAN: I was a little disappointed. But again, the script is so bad that when she would say something, I couldn’t tell if it was because the line was so bad or if she was being stiff.

CAROLINE: Right.

RYAN: But here’s my final thought, people. I can sum it up in one word: Stay away.