MY BLUEBERRY NIGHTS
RYAN: I was so excited to see “My Blueberry Nights,” first and foremost because my favorite flavor is blueberry; but also because of its great cast.
CAROLINE: Jude Law, Rachel Weisz, David Straitharn minus the silver foxiness this time with dyed brown hair, Natalie Portman and singer Norah Jones in her acting debut.
RYAN: What business does fat Norah Jones have being in a movie anyway?
CAROLINE: She’s not fat.
RYAN: Fine, she’s normal, but she’s a chunker next to the other ladies in the film.
CAROLINE: You’re such a size-ist.
RYAN: All right I’m being mean; she’s not fat and she actually looks pretty. But she’s not the best actress in the world.
CAROLINE: She’s not an unattractive girl but then you put her next to Natalie Portman, and you’re like, “Oh. Sorry for you, Norah.” She looks like a busted Natalie Portman.
RYAN: Or Rachel Weisz’s ugly stepsister. There are times during slow parts of movies that you and I will try to make each other laugh by fake snoring, and it’s always hilarious. Until tonight when you actually had to jolt me awake with your elbow and tell me that I was snoring for reals.
CAROLINE: It wasn’t a full snore, but it was approaching that point, so I felt I had to intervene. However, I did let you sleep for a good ten minutes at the end.
RYAN: Really? I swear I remember a time when I would never dream of sleeping through a movie. But this one was S to the L-O-W.
CAROLINE: It’s broken up into four or five segments and as I was watching it, I was thinking, “Wow, this first one really isn’t very good.” The second one was better, but still not great. It improved toward the end, but basically this movie is like a high quality student film. I still can’t believe it was a Cannes Film Festival selection because I was so bored.
RYAN: The good news is that Rachel Weisz is so brilliant in this except for one monologue that is so foolishly written that I was thinking, “I can’t believe this is an Academy Award winning actress.”
CAROLINE: She looked stunning. I loved her hair, and she definitely knows how to maintain her American accent even when yelling. Unlike Jacinda Barrett.
RYAN: I really liked Natalie Portman’s look in this movie. She looks like the love child of Lindsay Lohan and Sharon Stone.
CAROLINE: She has this bleached, short, wavy hair, which should look horrible, but she can actually pull it off because she’s so pretty. She just looks kinda funky and boho.
RYAN: She brings some much-needed energy to the end of the film.
CAROLINE: And her acting is surprisingly good. She does a decent Southern accent.
RYAN: At ninety minutes long, this movie is about ninety minutes too long.
CAROLINE: [laughs’ Bottom line?
RYAN: I feel like if I recommended this movie to any of you, you’d hunt me down and kill me, so I’m not going to.
CAROLINE: I heard so much about this movie last year on the festival circuit and I was so psyched to see it, and now I just don’t understand what the buzz was about. It’s tedious and amateurish and overall, lame.
RYAN: It’s a hot mess.