MIAMI VICE
RYAN: If you can’t do the time, don’t do crime.
CAROLINE: Now we know why “Miami Vice” is doing so poorly at the box office.
RYAN: Yes, and it’s because you can’t understand a word anyone says in the movie because their accents are so bad.
CAROLINE: Colin Farrell struggles with his American accent. The Asian woman, Gong Li, is virtually indecipherable and then there are some others too where you’re like, not only can I not understand what you’re saying, I also don’t really care.
RYAN: There is a little bit of eye candy though for the ladies and the boys who can appreciate, when Ray Charles has a shower scene.
CAROLINE: Yeah, there’s a lot of gratuitous shower sex in this movie. It’s brief, it’s fleeting, but it’s there.
RYAN: This movie was really hard to follow and long and awkward.
CAROLINE: It felt disjointed to me. I was never entirely sure what was going on at any given time, which is, of course, not a surprise since I can be really dumb when it comes to following movies. But I didn’t really care about this film. I mean, it looked good – it was slick, but almsot too slick.
RYAN: And the only resemblance that this has to the TV show “Miami Vice” is the title, the city and the character names. It was not at all “Miami Vice” to me. I didn’t even hear the word “Tubbs.”
CAROLINE: Well, it was admittedly a recreation of “Miami Vice,” not a remake.
RYAN: Which is fine – so was “Bewitched,” but that still felt like “Bewitched.”
CAROLINE: I think the goal was to make Jamie and Colin look as homely as possible, with bad facial hair and mullet action.
RYAN: And also to make them impossible to understand because it seemed like they were told to talk really quietly. Bottom line?
CAROLINE: Overall, disappointing. Weird story. A couple of times I thought Colin looked cute but mostly I was like, why, why, why the mullet? And a hideous moustache. And I don’t like Jamie Foxx so he never did it for me.
RYAN: I don’t like Ray Charles either. My bottom line is the one good thing about this film was the water shots and the great direction of Michael Mann. He’s still a meticulous director. But even that couldn’t save a story that you just don’t care about.
CAROLINE: This was a very guy movie to me. I can sometimes get into that but with this, not so much. There were scenes that I wanted to be really cool action scenes but I so didn’t care, I was practically snoozing.
RYAN: We spent a great majority of the film talking about the new fall TV lineup.
CAROLINE: So that should give you an idea of what we thought of “Miami Vice.”