JOHN CARTER
RYAN: This is the new, big, 3D, early-summer blockbuster from Disney. It’s based on a super-popular sci fi novel written almost 100 years ago which is credited with inspiring everything from Avatar to Star Wars. As a result, it reminds me of those movies, with a hefty dose of Conan the Barbarian.
CAROLINE: Wow. I’m falling asleep just listening to you talk like that. This is so not my cup of tea. I skipped it. How is it?
RYAN: Well you’ll be glad you skipped it. You would have either been completely lost between all the crazy names of planets and characters and intergalactic politics, or just full on sleeping. But as for me, I liked some things about this movie.
CAROLINE: Such as?
RYAN: The effects are awesome. The action scenes are all good and the last hour of the movie pretty much rocks. But it’s two hours and fifteen minutes long, so the majority of the film is not rockin. In fact, some if it outright stinks – beginning with Taylor Kitsch as John Carter. He’s so damn wooden! It’s like he’s doing his best Christian Bale as Batman voice sometimes.
CAROLINE: Gawd that’s torture! We hate that.
RYAN: And Lynn Collins as the princess it almost as laughable. They’re only partly to blame though since the script is so cheesy – especially in their dialogue together. I may be a bit more cynical than the target Disney audience, but this one is PG-13 after all, so I figure I can be.
CAROLINE: Honey, you don’t have to convince me. How’s the 3D?
RYAN: It’s some of the worst 3D. If you have the option to see this in 2D, save the cizash and do so. It’s barely noticeable and so annoying to wear the glasses in these cases.
CAROLINE: Sounds like I really dodged a bullet here.
RYAN: For you, yes, but I must admit I don’t regret seeing it. I had a lot of fun screening with my pal Cecily and we sort of laughed together at the bad moments and then were engaged during the action, climax and ending. But the biggest problem is its pacing and length. I think some kids will zone out for much of this film, and some adults too.
CAROLINE: Who else is in it?
RYAN: Mark Strong, who I just abba-solutely love as the villian, Dominic West, Ciaran Hinds, and the voice talents of Willem Dafoe, Thomas Haden Church and Samantha Morton.
CAROLINE: Anything else?
RYAN: There’s one, like, alien/dinosaur/dog animal in it that’s so friggin’ adorbs, I wanna go to Mars and get one.
CAROLINE: Why don’t you? What’s your bottom line?
RYAN: It’s by no means a total loss – and you certainly get bang for your buck in this film. It is epic. It’s transporting (lit’rally to Mars). It’s a blockbuster. But it’s just not perfect and it’s soooo slow to start. If you’re in the mood for the other-worldliness of it, get out and see it. But if sci fi isn’t your bag, go see The Lorax instead.
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