I KNOW WHO KILLED ME

RYAN: I don’t know what possessed me to pay my own good money to see the latest Lindsay Lohan flick, “I Know Who Killed Me.” And believe me, this movie is just that – a flick.

CAROLINE: You deserve a pat on the back. As of now, you are the only person I know who’s seen this flick, and I hope to say that you will be the only person I’ll ever know to see this flick. So spill – how was it?

RYAN: It is across the board one of the worst films I’ve ever seen in my entire life. It is worse than one of our least favorites of all time, the notoriously bad “Vanity Fair” starring Reese Witherspoon.

CAROLINE: Is it worse that David Cronenberg’s “Crash,” my worst movie of all time, not to be confused with Paul Haggis’s Oscar-winning “Crash”?

RYAN: I haven’t seen David Cronenberg’s “Crash,” but I’m going to confidently say yes, “I Know Who Killed Me” is worse.

CAROLINE: That’s hard for me to fathom.

RYAN: You’d think this was Lindsay Lohan’s first film. It’s like an after-school special except for all the nudity. But she doesn’t get naked. And here’s the thing – she plays an exotic dancer, but she can’t dance to save her life. Her one big move is to slide down the stripper pole and try to look sexy. She doesn’t shake a hip or hump a leg or anything.

CAROLINE: Meanwhile, all we heard last year when she was filming the flick is that she was taking all these stripper lessons and she was going to astound us with her fabulous stripper skills.

RYAN: Lies, all lies. The story is just so stupid. And it’s really gory – even gorier than “Hostel.” It’s actually pretty disgusting.

CAROLINE: No way! I thought it was a thriller.

RYAN: It’s kind of a horror film. It’s a gore-tastic thriller. And halfway through the movie, these random fantasy/magic-type things start to happen. I was like, “What is going on with the magic already?”

CAROLINE: This is all very strange.

RYAN: There are dots that are not connected at all, the editing is terrible, the directing is bad; honestly it’s an embarrassment to filmmaking.

CAROLINE: One wonders why Lindsay ever agreed to do this movie.

RYAN: I have no clue. The script is terrible. As good as she was in “Georgia Rule” is as bad as she was in this movie. It’s just horrendous.

CAROLINE: Maybe she just wanted to play a stripper and try to look hot in a movie. I bet she’s one of those chicks who dress up like a sexy cat on Halloween.

RYAN: Who knows? There were many gratuitous scenes of her pole dancing scantily clad Britney-style.

CAROLINE: So she’s no Demi Moore is what you’re saying.

RYAN: No. Even “Striptease” is better than this atrocity.

CAROLINE: Bottom line?

RYAN: Please don’t see it. I will pay you not to see this movie.