HAYWIRE

CAROLINE: When you hear Steven Soderbergh has a new movie out, you wonder, “Why on earth is it coming out in January? He’s Steven Soderbergh, an Oscar-winning writer/director, is he not?” And then you see Haywire, and your questions are answered.

RYAN: It’s sad but true. I’m not the biggest fan but I certainly had higher expectations, especially since the cast features several actors I like.

CAROLINE: Here’s the thing – this movie pretty much exists solely to show off the fighting prowess of Gina Carano, former American Gladiator. And she’s very good in the fight scenes. Her acting? Not so much.

RYAN: She’s g’dawful! It’s like she’s just reading her lines, like she just learned them slightly before shooting each scene. And then to pair her up against my fave actor o’ the world – shameful.

CAROLINE: I couldn’t deal with how she over-enuciated every word. I applaud her diction but it didn’t sound very natural.

RYAN: And if she was just reading, she’s not even very good at that.

CAROLINE: The movie co-stars a series of hotties – Channing Tatum, Michael Fassbender, a very bearded Antonio Banderas and your all-time fave, Ewan McGregor.

RYAN: He makes me so happy. He’s very good in this except for one shot at the end where I’d like to blame the editing and not m’Ewan.

CAROLINE: I actually found the movie a little confusing in parts. Luckily they spell everything out for you in the end. But basically, I was just waiting for another cool fight scene to come because all the in-between stuff was dullsville.

RYAN: I was totally bored. It felt like it was 3 hours long, not 90 minutes. And the soundtrack was all 70s porn music or as if they said to someone, we want the score to ound like a James Bond movie but we can’t pay you anything… see what you come up with.

CAROLINE: I will say the fighting looked incredibly real. I was like, “Wow, is she actually beating that dude up?” Whoever helped with the stage combat did a great job.

RYAN: Her fight scene with Fassbender is the best in the film and I liked that moment. But honestly, for the violence, I could do without all the waiting and lethargy between the action. Oh – and there’s good ole Bill Paxton here as well.

CAROLINE: Rumor has it that Steven Soderbergh is planning on retiring next year because he feels he’s reached his limit artistically.

RYAN: He’ll retire just like Cher has retired from performing live.

CAROLINE: Probably. In the meantime, he can definitely retire from making movies like this please.

— BOTTOM LINE —

CAROLINE: This movie isn’t really worth your time. The plot is cliché and silly and it’s all been done a million times before. I did enjoy the fight and chase scenes and actually gasped out loud a couple of times. I guess if you’re a big Gina Carano fan, as my husband’s best friend is, this movie will be worth your time; other than that, it’s not.

RYAN: I literally thought to myself, “you’re kidding me” during much of this film. It’s actually lame. The story is thin and the score absolutely ruins it. I appreciate the fact everything comes together at the end but it still didn’t justify this kind of a movie. And there’s a moment of completely random animal violence.

— RATING —