HANNAH MONTANA: THE MOVIE
CAROLINE: Ryan, I’ve thanked you many times for seeing children’s films without me, and “Hannah Montana: The Movie” is almost worse because it’s a teen/’tween movie. But you have once again valiantly taken one for the team and seen it sans moi. Discuss.
RYAN: As you know, I’m usually happy to take one for the team since I enjoy children’s films, and even movies that are considered girls’ films. However, this movie may have changed all that. It was one of the worst kids’ movies I’ve ever seen, as someone who owns Barbie movies on DVD, I can speak with authority. This movie was even worse than “Kit Kittredge.”
CAROLINE: Oooh, I shudder. What made it so awful?
RYAN: For starters, Miley Cyrus can’t act. The movie is about a young, entitled Hollywood starlet, Hannah Montana, whose parents drag her home so she can get back to her roots and stop being such a wench. But she never completes the journey. Yes, she takes off her wig and says she just wants to be Miley again, but she’s still entitled and bitchy. There’s no evolution in the character, and the story is absurd, predictable and boring.
CAROLINE: Is there a love interest at least?
RYAN: There is, and he’s very cute. But it’s not that blond guy who was on “Dancing with the Stars” last year. Either way, I so didn’t care because the movie is not well written or acted. Some of her musical performance scenes were OK, but her voice is so overprocessed and Pro-Tooled, it’s crazy.
CAROLINE: What about her dad, Billy Ray Cyrus?
RYAN: He’s better than she is, mercifully.
CAROLINE: Any other actors I’d recognize?
RYAN: Tyra Banks has a cameo in which she embarrasses herself. And Vanessa Williams has a bit part as Hannah Montana’s manager, but she doesn’t have the lighting that graces her on “Ugly Betty,” so she really looks her age.
CAROLINE: Eek!
RYAN: We’ve seen her in person on the red carpet, and she looks OK, but she looked terrible in this. And she overacts too.
— BOTTOM LINE —
RYAN: This movie is a waste of time. Please don’t see it. If you must because you have a young daughter or something, you really won’t enjoy yourself. I spent the second half of the movie barely paying attention and debating as to whether I should get up and walk out. I really wish I had.
CAROLINE: You have my eternal gratitude for seeing this without me.
RYAN: God, please don’t let them make a sequel!
— RATING —
