FREEDOMLAND

RYAN: Well… to begin: It’s interesting to see Old Man Douglas back in action again, in one of the trailers we saw.

CAROLINE: Michael Douglas. You mean, “In the Line of Fire?” That movie already came out.

RYAN: And the little wife of Wisteria Lane, Eva Longoria… Leading lady?!?!? Like, gun-toting, undercover cop. I don’t buy it.

CAROLINE: Absolutely absurd. I don’t even know what it’s called, that movie.

RYAN: “The Sentinel.”

CAROLINE: Oh right! A word that nobody in the English language knows what it means, really. “Hmmm, I think it’s like a guard, or something? What is it?”

RYAN: I was caught off guard by that trailer. I don’t think we’re ready for it. Ok. Let’s get to “Freedomland.” I think I have a new favorite movie. Kidding.

CAROLINE: Let the record show that I actually wanted to see this movie. And I thought it was fine.

RYAN: We’re at a theater that every time we enter we vow it will be the last.

CAROLINE: It’s the worst ever. There are bathrooms only on one floor.

RYAN: And the concessions are never open anywhere.

CAROLINE: The escalators are always not working.

RYAN: Right. It’s the formerly Loews, newly AMC 34th street theater. It’s so annoying. Anyway… “Freedomland!”

CAROLINE: I’ve never seen Julianne Moore act so badly. She was wretched!!! With a capital R.

RYAN: I feel like Hollywood needs to revoke her SAG card.

CAROLINE: And her Oscar nominations.

RYAN: And b**ch-slap her.

CAROLINE: (laughs) Not only does she look hideous, which is fine, because she’s supposed to play a formerly cracked-out mom who’s now clean… But first of all, she should never have been cast in the role. She’s way too upper-crust looking. She cannot play a poor woman. She was awful.

RYAN: Her accent was coming and going.

CAROLINE: She’s supposed to have some sort of street accent.

RYAN: Her performance was indeed bad. But that was coupled with one of the absolute worst screenplays in film history.

CAROLINE: It was not good. There were laughable moments… that were not supposed to be laughable.

RYAN: I can’t believe any one of them would read that script and want to sign on to do this movie. Sam Jackson, included. “Paycheck” Jackson, as you like to call him.

CAROLINE: He made a ridiculous movie with Eugene Levy called “The Man.” It may have well have been a minstrel show. He will do anything for a paycheck… even though I do think he’s very talented.

RYAN: But most of his movies have some entertainment value to them. “Freedomland” does not. I liked the first twenty minutes. It was edited, gritty and fast and then it’s a downward spiral for Julia Moore and her performance.

CAROLINE: Totally.

RYAN: Worse and worse and worse.

CAROLINE: Part of it was the screenplay, in her defense. But the rest of it was her atrocious acting.

RYAN: There were a few sexy moments, I will say… thanks to actor Ron Eldard.

CAROLINE: So hot!

RYAN: Fun to look at.

CAROLINE: His eyes are piercing. OMG.

RYAN: Degorgeous. You could swim in them.

CAROLINE: I will say this. I know the race story in this movie was a little “ripped from the headlines;” but, I thought they were well-portrayed. The way they show the tension in the projects, you don’t often see that in movies – black people being marginalized by a white woman. I found that interesting.

RYAN: Yeah. I, too, appreciated the “Crash” moments. But they were just so underserved by an overall, really bad film. You know? In “Crash,” which I’d love to see win Best Picture, fine. But here… save your ten dollahs or go see “Nanny McPhee.”

CAROLINE: (laughs) And without ruining anything – the eponymous title of this film represents a pivotal moment that turns out to be a big nothing. I was thinking “OMG. Freedomland. This old, creepy kids’ institution, it’s going to be a major moment, could be scary.” And then it’s barely a blip on the radar.

RYAN: Yeah. They could have more appropriately titled this movie “Stupidland.” Several false buildups.

CAROLINE: (laughs) And it ended like six times.

RYAN: Ok. Final thought.

CAROLINE: Not so hot.

RYAN: This is my least favorite movie of the year so far. I, unlike you, didn’t want to see this. Then I had this redemptive moment, twenty minutes in where I turned to you and said “This movie’s good.” And then Julia Moore began talking. And my final thought is that it sucks.