CACHE

RYAN: Time goes by… so slowly. Time… (sing it with me)

RYAN & CAROLINE: goes by… so slowly…

CAROLINE: Wow. That was really long and slow. It’s all my fault and I’m sorry.

RYAN: Where are we?

CAROLINE: We’re at the very small, semi-artsy, Lincoln Plaza theater, Broadway and 62nd Street in New York’s Manhattan.

RYAN: Excuse me, did you just get a manicure recently?

CAROLINE: I sure did.

RYAN: Your nails look gorgeous.

CAROLINE: Why thank you.

RYAN: What did we just see?

CAROLINE: I just told my friend Ryan that I absolutely HAD to see the movie “Cache.” A really, really taut thriller.

RYAN: Allow me to pick it up from here. For months…

CAROLINE: Ok, weeks.

RYAN: At least weeks… you’ve been chewing my ear off about our dire need to see this film “Cache.” “I wanna see ‘Cache.’ I wanna see ‘Cache.’” I was like, “Yeah, I’ll see it with you.” But… thanks for sleeping during it.

CAROLINE: I was real tired. I had to take a brief doze. And I’d like the record to show I think it was brief.

RYAN: It was brief.

CAROLINE: And then I was awoken at the proper suspense moment in the film. Thankfully, you grabbed my arm and I was jolted out of sleep to see the most vile thing I’ve ever seen.

RYAN: I have to say, there were two images in this movie I could live my whole life without ever having seen.

CAROLINE: The chicken.

RYAN: Now we know where the term “Running around like a chicken with his head cut off” comes from.

CAROLINE: Yes. I’ve heard of it; just never seen it.

RYAN: It’s absolutely terrible. The headless body was flopping around for like, hours. Horrible. Why is it, in film, cruelty to animals is so much more heinous than cruelty to humans?

CAROLINE: PETA would not like this film. But I think it’s was filmed in France, so PETA didn’t have a hand in this one.

RYAN: (laughs) Yes. I think I spent the greater part of the mew-vie trying to see how many different positions I could contort my body into in the seat.

CAROLINE: I know. I think we annoyed the people behind us a lot.

RYAN: Yes.

CAROLINE: The bottom line is, just so people know, this is a film in French with subtitles.

RYAN: En Anglais.

CAROLINE: The movie is not awful; however, it’s very slow.

RYAN: A lot of static shots where absolutely nothing happens.

CAROLINE: Ew. Repeatedly. Wow. Like, over and over the same shot for like, a good two, three minutes.

RYAN: Right. And very, very uninspired wardrobe on everyone in the cast.

CAROLINE: OMG. Juliette Binoche is wearing a frickin potato sack in every scene. She looked awful.

RYAN: Awful. And I don’t think there were any colors other than cream, beige, brown and grey in the entire movie.

CAROLINE: Maybe some navy.

RYAN: Maybe. If I was lucky.

CAROLINE: And je suis desolee, because it’s all my fault.

RYAN: I’m not busting you. I didn’t balls-out hate this. But on the other hand, I’m not getting those two hours of my life back… so boring in comparison to other movies.

CAROLINE: I enjoy a foreign film, but… this was just mediocre. I heard it was a suspenseful thriller about someone getting spied on. And I thought that sounded so interesting.

RYAN: And let me say for the record: The ending of this movie is one of the worst in the history of movies.

CAROLINE: It’s never really resolved.

RYAN: I think it’s simple; just really lame. Final thought:

CAROLINE: You don’t need to see this.

RYAN: Yes. This is not a We See Movies Must-See.