PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST

RYAN: Ok we didn’t see it together, but we definitely both saw this movie.

CAROLINE: Yeah, all two and a half hours of it!

RYAN: It’s “Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest.” The second of a trilogy.

CAROLINE: Gee – can’t wait for the third.

RYAN: Actually, I can’t. The only thing that interested me in this film was the last thirty seconds. So I’m excited about the third movie, as I was for the second, which sucked.

CAROLINE: Yeah, the special effects, as everyone is saying, are unbelievable. But that’s all I can say. I could barely follow the story, I didn’t care about any of the plot lines and I was absolutely counting the minutes till it was over.

RYAN: I was the same way. And I was with someone who didn’t want to see it so every time it had a false ending where you think it’s ending and then it keeps going, I just felt so much guilt.

CAROLINE: I felt like I was at a kids’ movie, I was like, “Christ, this is a Disney film and I’m an adult and I can’t take it.” But then it got kind of scary – some of those creatures are frightening.

RYAN: Jim Dale was outstanding as Davy Jones. He reads all the Harry Potter books on tape. All the performances were great other than Keira Knightley, who’s useless.

CAROLINE: And her underbite is so out of control. Every time she had a close-up with Johnny Depp, I was like, “Girl, you’re teeth and your jaw are so bizarre-looking, I can’t even look at you.”

RYAN: Totally. And there’s no chemistry between her and Orlando.

CAROLINE: Is it me or is Orlando Bloom not in the least attractive?

RYAN: Oh he’s not. I’ve never found him attractive in anything.

CAROLINE: He can’t even grow a proper beard. His wispy facial hair is so gross.

RYAN: You put anyone in a movie and the media will say they’re hot, I don’t get it.

CAROLINE: I’m over it.

RYAN: So the movie was really really stupid. I was very disappointed. I just feel saddened by this film.

CAROLINE: Not only did I not know what was going on at any given time, I also didn’t care.

RYAN: But it set box office records last weekend!

CAROLINE: Yeah but this just in: movie tickets are more expensive now, hence the record-breaking.

RYAN: Yeah, no one ever discusses that in Hollywood for whatever reason.

CAROLINE: Final thought?

RYAN: The sets and costumes were great, the effects were great, Johnny was great. But the film sucks and it was an hour too long. The only great part was the last thirty seconds which makes me want to see the next one.

CAROLINE: I didn’t want to see this one that much to begin with, and then knowing how long it was and having to suffer through the whole thing, it was torture.

RYAN: I would like to thank you on the record for putting yourself through that for the sake of this blog.

CAROLINE: It wasn’t my pleasure.