SEASON OF THE WITCH
RYAN: Let the January releases begin! Season of the Witch stars Nicolas Cage, and it’s exactly the kind of crap we expect to see now that Oscar season is over. Why don’t you tell everyone how excited you were to see this movie?
CAROLINE: [laughs’ We got to attend the premiere, which would normally be a thrill; but for a movie like this, I couldn’t care less. I knew this movie would stink, and it did. The after party was very cool and fun though, and we had a Nicolas Cage sighting. He’s taller than I thought.
RYAN: He looks exactly like his Madame Tussauds wax figure that often stares at me when I walk across 42nd street.
CAROLINE: If you’ve seen the trailer for Season of the Witch, you know exactly what you’re going to get with this movie. The best word I can use to describe it is silly. It’s a witchy supernatural historical war movie with knights that drags on way too long and really has no point in the end.
RYAN: I like Nicolas Cage and tend to see all of his movies even if I know they’re going to be bad, but this one is just really stupid.
CAROLINE: I’m so glad you can admit it. The only other remotely famous person in the movie is Ron Perlman, and as I was watching, I kept thinking, “Why on earth did Nicolas Cage agree to do this movie?” Of course we all know the answer is he needs the dough bad.
RYAN: The movie has some things going for it, visually anyway. It has some beautiful shots and the costumes are well done. And I liked the witchcraft stuff.
CAROLINE: I know you’re into fantasy and witchcraft, but I’m so not into this genre. Plus I hated all the historical battle crap – that’s for boys. The only thing I can think to say was decent about it is that they didn’t get over-the-top cheesy with the dialogue.
RYAN: But it annoyed me how they swore and used expressions that we use today. I was like, “Hmm, did people really talk like that during the Crusades?” I think not.
CAROLINE: And I’m sorry but Ron Perlman looks like an ape. There’s just no other way to describe him.
RYAN: He’s odd looking for sure, but I thought Nicolas Cage looked pretty good. And I liked the actress who plays the witch. She did a great job of looking innocent and victimized, but with just a little twinkle in her eye she could switch to evil.
CAROLINE: Can we discuss how gross this movie is though? I was seriously shocked by some of the images. It’s almost like a horror movie. I do not need to see corpses rotting with Black Plague over and over again.
RYAN: OMG it was disgusting! It was incredibly gory and difficult to look at. Nausea-inducing, even. I can’t believe I was even able to eat my popcorn. It seemed like every five minutes was another horrible decaying human flesh moment.
CAROLINE: Ohhhh, I so don’t care about this movie, and I can’t imagine why we’re still talking about it.
RYAN: I just want to say that some of the effects were really good though. It seemed to have a decent budget; the effects, especially with the wolves and at the end, were better than I expected for a movie like this.
— BOTTOM LINE —
RYAN: I’m kind of the target audience for this movie given that I like Nicolas Cage and I love witch trials and fantasy stuff, but this movie didn’t strike a chord with me at all. I can’t even recommend seeing it on DVD; you’d probably stop watching after 30 minutes. It’s just stupid.
CAROLINE: I love that we can agree on this. It’s not a poorly made movie, but it’s totally lame. I wish I’d been able to nap during it; that would have made the movie go a lot faster. It felt way too long and it ultimately went nowhere. Maybe teenage boys will like it, but I can’t imagine anyone else caring.
— RATING —
