The 78th Annual Academy Awards

RYAN: Wow! So after much ado…

CAROLINE: About something…

RYAN: Mmm Hmm. We finally witnessed what will go down in history forevermore…

CAROLINE: As the 78th Annual…

RYAN: Academy Awards. Overall, I really enjoyed the show.

CAROLINE: As always. And especially since it wasn’t four and a half hours long this year.

RYAN: But I want my money back for one reason – there were no actress tears!

CAROLINE: I would argue that the Best Foreign Film winner cried a little.

RYAN: I don’t care. I wanted actress tears… the kind that make you cry vicariously.

CAROLINE: Reese got teary, c’mon.

RYAN: No! That does not count. She was emotional but I wanna see crying!

CAROLINE: Oh that is so unpoised! I’m thrilled no one cried. Halle Berry was a debacle when she won. She set women back 50 years.

RYAN: I love it. I expect my Best Actresses to cry. Reese was articulate and eloquent though.

CAROLINE: And possibly the night’s best dressed, I might add.

RYAN: Possibly. My best dressed was Uma Thurman.

CAROLINE: She looked great. But OMG Resse looked stunning!

RYAN: Really good. Let’s talk about my favorite moment of the Oscars this year. Lauren Bacall’s on-screen stroke.

CAROLINE: (laughs)

RYAN: What was with Lauren Bacall?

CAROLINE: We had to rewind and watch it again. Wow.

RYAN: She had to go home and kill herself after that performance.

CAROLINE: I think she’s already dead. We witnessed the death of Lauren Bacall.

RYAN: Slow and painful.

CAROLINE: Truly, what was that? Do we know?

RYAN: My mom just said, “She’s old and sick.”

CAROLINE: Thank you, Margo.

RYAN: I like to think someone had a vendetta against her and that person happened to be running the Teleprompter.

CAROLINE: It was just cruella.

RYAN: DeVill.

CAROLINE: And then cut to Jennifer Garner almost falling on her face.

RYAN: That’s just nightmare material… the last thing you want to happen at the Oscars… is tripping on your way out.

CAROLINE: And it doesn’t happen very often.

RYAN: And she did it twice! A lot of fun all around. It was the night of the many montage.

CAROLINE: How many were there?

RYAN: Like seven.

CAROLINE: Remarkable! Just when you thought it wasn’t possible, they were like, “Here’s the one about love. Here’s the one about film noir. Here’s the one about epics.”

RYAN: We had fun shouting out the movie titles as we watched… and Jon Stewart acknowledged their absurdity. Oh! The worst dressed of the night – Naomi Watts. She looked camouflaged and shredded.

CAROLINE: My worst dressed was Helena Bonham Carter. She looked like she’d come from a prom, circe 1986 in a Jessica McClintock dress. But, in terms of women, she’s sort of a freak, so whatever. But yes, Naomi Watts looked like she was wearing tatters.

RYAN: And on the E! Red Carpet pre-show, she was nuts! The pre-shows were really uneventful; but, when Ryan Seacrest interviewed Naomi Watts, she plugged the way she got there.

CAROLINE: The hybrid Lexus.

RYAN: It was redonkulous.

CAROLINE: I’d never seen someone so shamelessly shill.

RYAN: Right. She, like, had a panic attack getting the plug in at the end of the interview.

CAROLINE: And Ryan handled it well.

RYAN: Let’s talk about the winners. Best Picture “Crash.” I am thrillified!

CAROLINE: I’m pleased. I really loved “Crash.”

RYAN: And Ang Lee won for directing “Brokeback Mountain.” And that was good. It’s rare when picture and director awards don’t both win for the same movie.

CAROLINE: It makes me wanna see “Crash” again. It’s been almost a year.

RYAN: Yes. Actor.

CAROLINE: No shock at all. Phil Hoffman. And he’s really fat. I’m sorry, but he is.

RYAN: And Actress Reese. I would have loved to have seen Felicity “Flicka” Huffman win.

CAROLINE: Me too. But Reese looked like an Oscar winner.

RYAN: Yes. And we all know what the win means for her. Not that she’ll get better movie roles… No. It means her marriage is over.

CAROLINE: (chuckles) Clearly. And when “Crash” won, Ryan Phillippe was jumping up and down and you had to be, like, “This award’s not for you. And your marriage is in shambles.”

RYAN: Exactly. So be prepared to be a single father. Supporting Actor: Clooney.

CAROLINE: Also not a shock. There were no real shocks tonight… Even Supporting Actress, Rachel Weisz. It was anticipated. But George Clooney really does the humble thing well.

RYAN: I’m not a huge fan, but he’s got a great sense of humor. But really… the opening graphic was so cool.

CAROLINE: And covered so many movies.

RYAN: And the set design this year was great. I loved the color scheme. It’s always usually orange and gold and this time it was black and white and silver.

CAROLINE: It was really cool. And the Tom Hanks video was funny.

RYAN: What about host Jon McStewart?

CAROLINE: Jon O’Stewart was good. He was better than Chris Rockula. He was very poised. He’s used to the audience of, I’m sorry, Comedy Central. This was a BFD for Jon Stewart and I thought he looked good and spoke well; reasonable funny.

RYAN: It’s true.

CAROLINE: Overall fun show. It didn’t run too long.

RYAN: I felt like they finally got the pacing right and where to put the important categories to keep your interest up the whole time. But how awkward was it to put Keira Knightley next to Jack Nicholson in the front row?

CAROLINE: He probably wanted to feel her up.

RYAN: I bet the producers just wanted to sex him up a bit but putting a hot new-comer next to him.

CAROLINE: Yeah. Although he was good at the end. Okay. Good times had by all.

RYAN: Until next year… Now let’s catch a movie this week, shall we?

CAROLINE: Yes. We Shall.