WATCHMEN

RYAN: The much anticipated “Watchmen” is finally in theaters, and we were lucky enough to attend the advanced screening.

CAROLINE: Depends on your definition of “lucky.”

RYAN: Well, it’s the first big movie of 2009.

CAROLINE: I know, but I was so not into this movie. It didn’t engage me at all. But I will freely admit that I’m not in the target demographic for it, LBH.

RYAN: Yes, you’re far from it.

CAROLINE: I just don’t care about the “Watchmen” and what they do. It’s a well made film with some good actors in it, but some of the performances were weak. Matthew Goode needs to work on his American accent pronto.

RYAN: Agreed. It’s a great movie with some brilliant moments, like the opening sequence. It’s one of the coolest I’ve ever seen. It made me want the Academy to create a special new category at the Oscars for Best Opening Credits Sequence.

CAROLINE: I was lost during that sequence because it was playing under an eternal Bob Dylan song, and I just can’t stand the sound of his voice. The movie opens with a shot of Denny from “Grey’s Anatomy,” which I enjoyed; but I was sad about the size of his role. He’s really not in the movie that much.

RYAN: What was big was the size of Billy Crudup’s blue peen. He’s naked as Dr. Manhattan throughout almost the whole movie. There’s more full frontal and rear male nudity in this movie than I’ve ever seen in any mainstream film.

CAROLINE: Yes, but we must point out that Billy Crudup’s nudity is animated. You do get to see Patrick Wilson’s real butt though. Since Billy’s character is animated, you don’t get to see him much in the film. He only has a few scenes as himself before he mutates. I found his delivery as Dr. Manhattan kind of wooden. And then I kept waiting for him to break into one of his Mastercard commercials.

RYAN: [laughs’ The movie is definitely too long at two hours and forty minutes. They could have easily cut out thirty minutes or so. But I was so captivated by the images and the color that I really didn’t care. As our friend John said, it’s a character study as well as a blockbuster superhero movie. And everyone we know who read the graphic novel said the movie is incredibly faithful to it, so real “Watchmen” fans won’t be disappointed.

CAROLINE: I, of course, have never read, nor will I ever read, the graphic novel. As a result, I didn’t care about this movie at all, and was annoyed that it wasn’t like some other superhero movies I’ve enjoyed, like “Iron Man.” It wasn’t linear and I couldn’t really follow the story.

RYAN: Can we discuss how violent it is? I was kind of shocked. It felt like a Quentin Tarantino movie. There was ripped flesh and spurting blood and broken bones jutting out. I’m not very squeamish but even I had to look away a couple times.

CAROLINE: Me too! I just didn’t want to see that kind of violence in a movie like this. I wasn’t prepared for it. But I guess it’s true to the novel, so there you go.

RYAN: I’m so happy that Jackie Earle Haley was in this. He was so great in “Little Children,” and he did a great job in this too. Unfortunately, he seems to have attended the Christian Bale School for Superhero Voice Training. He sounded just like Batman.

CAROLINE: His voice was overly raspy for sure. That may be sort of how he actually talks in real life, but I didn’t care for it. I also didn’t really care for Malin Akerman. I’ve liked her in the rom coms she’s done, and she should stick to those. She stood out in this movie, but not in a good way. Her acting wasn’t so hot and she didn’t blend in very well. And I was sad about the big mole on her cheek.

RYAN: I hear you, but I thought she was so cool in this movie. She looked hot, and I loved how every time she opened a can of whoop ass, her hair stayed perfect the whole time. One thing that wasn’t great in the movie though was the old age makeup. Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Carla Gugino just looked kind of weird.

CAROLINE: It’s like the makeup artists worked really hard on their necks and cheeks, but gave up around the eyes and forehead. And Carla’s Botoxed into oblivion, so that didn’t help.

RYAN: The costumes were great though, and I loved the music. Fabulous soundtrack! They play great songs from different decades; everything from Jimi Hendrix to Bob Dylan to Nena’s “99 Luftballoons.”

— BOTTOM LINE —

RYAN: I understood the overall premise of the movie, but there were definitely little details that confused me. I turned to you a few times with a furrowed brow, like, “What’s going on here?” But otherwise I was totally engaged and couldn’t believe how amazing some of the scenes were. This is a movie you have to see on the big screen; the effects are amazing. So if you’re gonna see it, don’t you dare wait to watch it on cable or DVD. Get your rear to the theater.

CAROLINE: If you’re a fan, yes. But for the rest of us, there’s no need to see this movie. I would never recommend it to any of my female friends. It’s a total boy movie and it’s way too long.

RYAN: My one-line rebuttal is that I never read the graphic novel, but I was still into it. So if you’re at all interested in seeing this, don’t miss it on the big screen.

— RATING —