VOLVER
RYAN: We just saw un film de Almodóvar.
CAROLINE: In the second worst theater in New York City.
RYAN: What makes it one of the worst is the crowd.
CAROLINE: It was geriatric and noisy, and the doors are really loud and squeaky when you open them and for some reason, people were walking in and out of the theater for the entire first hour of the film. I have no idea why.
RYAN: It’s true. It’s the Landmark Sunshine theater in the East Village. So here’s the thing: “Volver” is a relatively fun film. It has all of our favorite things: incest, murder, supernatural.
CAROLINE: And a very busty Penelope Cruz who was looking fabulous despite the fact she was wearing so much eye make-up that she looked like a raccoon.
RYAN: And her wardrobe was hideous. Nothing matched. It was really weird.
CAROLINE: Well, she was supposed to be a sort of dumpy mom.
RYAN: They even padded her ass to make her look more dowdy. But it didn’t work, she still looked uber-glam.
CAROLINE: Bien sur, which is French for “of course.”
RYAN: Oui. And the rest of the cast was pretty good. But the movie was way too long. And let’s talk about whoever did a terrible job of translating the film.
CAROLINE: Oh my God. The sub-titles were comical! At first, I just thought it was a British person who translated it because they used words like “row” instead of “fight.” But then it just got bizarre. Something was translated at “stroppy” – I’m unaware of that word in the English language.
RYAN: I don’t think it’s a real word. I think they were making words up. And there was one moment when you and I were both inappropriately laughing. It was not meant to be funny. It was a sincere moment in the film and we were hysterical. It was like one of those church moments when you’re not supposed to be laughing out loud, but I was practically crying. I was laughing so hard.
CAROLINE: I was shaking trying to keep it under control. But then you would let out a grunt and I’d lose it all over again. It was when Penny Cruz was lip-synching to a song, because her character is supposed to be a good singer.
RYAN: She was lip-synching because obviously, she can’t sing to save her life, so they hired someone else to be her singing voice. But they didn’t even try to find someone who sounded like her. It was a totally random voice coming out of her mouth and it was HI-larious.
CAROLINE: I know. And the first time it happens she just has to sing one line, and we thought it was sort of amusing that the voice didn’t sound anything like hers. But then she starts to get really into it and it’s a passionate song and she’s crying and Penny just looked like a moron.
RYAN: The voice was so ill matched. It’s worth going to see this movie just to see that moment because it’s so inappropriately funny.
CAROLINE: Penny was really singing though. I saw her neck cords going. But then they dubbed over her with someone else.
RYAN: Bottom line?
CAROLINE: This was a decent movie but I think the only people who are gonna see it are foreign-film fans. And it’ll probably get nominated for “Best Foreign Film” as all Almodóvar films do. I’m glad we saw it, but the movie-going experience was quite unpleasant.
RYAN: I agree. I thought it was good but too long.
CAROLINE: Definitely too long. About twenty to thirty minutes too long.
RYAN: Amen.