FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER

CAROLINE: Ryan, I’d like to thank you for taking a bullet for me on this one. I had virtually zero desire to see “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer,” although the effects do look cool.

RYAN: Well, here’s the news: the movie is not fantastic. For starters, I saw the first one in mine own home as a rental, and didn’t like it. Thus I only had moderate interest in the sequel, which has a lot of problems with its script.

CAROLINE: Are those problems bigger than the main problem of Jessica Alba’s hideous wig?

RYAN: They are equally offensive. First, her wigs are so bad that you can actually see where the wig meets the scalp. And the color is so shockingly bad for her skin tone. Plus, some jackass had the audacity to put blue contacts on her naturally brown eyes.

CAROLINE: Ooh, that’s not good.

RYAN: I have to say, the story is rahter good; but the script is so hackneyed that it weighs the movie down. The lines sound as though they were written for grade-schoolers, which by the by, they probably were.

CAROLINE: What about the effects? At least the silver surfer was cool, right?

RYAN: Umm… yes. But the performances were only so-so. Each actor had those moments of doing death stares and it was so melodramatic.

CAROLINE: How was cutie pie Chris Evans?

RYAN: He’s cute but you can’t even appreciate it because the film is so weird.

CAROLINE: Weird?

RYAN: It’s an odd film. And every time Jessica Alba comes on screen, you’re like “Eek! Those contacts are fake! Duh! Her hair is fake!” Everything is so fake it’s almost larfable.

CAROLINE: Good God. Bottom line?

RYAN: The effects are great. If you’re determined to see this, you should definitely view in the theater because of its blockbuster-ness. But sadly, the best thing about it is that it’s only an hour and a half long.

CAROLINE: Well, at least that’s something. But it ain’t gonna get me to see it.