2006 GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS SHOW

RED CARPET PRE-SHOW:

RYAN: So here we are, Carole Ann, at your apartment for the 5th annual Golden Globe Awards…

CAROLINE: Yes we are and I’m thoroughly enjoying myself, watching the red carpet.

RYAN: And, dear readers, I must warn you… I am drunk as I’ve ever been, on a thimbleful of wine.

CAROLINE: Low-Tolerance-Ryan.

RYAN: And here we are, very glad, to be talking a different kind of movies… the awards show – Golden Globes.

CAROLINE: Yes! It’s good fun for us.

RYAN: We are indeed enjoying it.

CAROLINE: Yes. All we’ve seen so far is the clothes.

RYAN: Let’s talk red carpet pre-show.

CAROLINE: I’m loving it. I think a lot of people look fabulous… except for the Mariah Carey tragedy. She does not know how to dress for her body type.

RYAN: Yeah. She’s a house on wheels. Worst dressed O’ the Globes.

CAROLINE: By a mile.

RYAN: Hands down.

CAROLINE: Book closed.

RYAN: Full stop.

CAROLINE: She looks like Alvin and the Chipmunks. On the other hand, I’m loving Natalie Portman’s dress.

RYAN: Yeah. Ok. Not anything special but very pretty.

CAROLINE: Elegant, pretty, lace…

RYAN: Some friends of ours even compared her to Audrey Hepburn. She has that going for her.

CAROLINE: It’s true.

RYAN: But my favorite of the evening has to be Festus Huffman.

CAROLINE: For a dude, she looks phenom!

RYAN: (laughs) The empire waist, the romantic hair, everything exquisite.

CAROLINE: Love her cute, supportive husband. They’re so cute together. And having just seen “Transamerica,” we’re rooting for her a bit.

RYAN: Yes. And while watching the E! pre-show, I have to say, I think it was so stupid to have Isaac Mizrahi do all the celeb interviews and have The Ryan Seacrest in the corner doing nothing, really.

CAROLINE: He was over-seeing or something… And hello, Debbie Metanopoulos!

RYAN: Welcome aboard! Oh, and another outstandingly strange moment on the NBC pre-show: Dean Cain!

CAROLINE: Very strange. Other people looking great: Evangeline Lilly, Hilary Swank, saying brazenly to Isaac Mizrahi that she and Chad Lowe are not divorced.

RYAN: Oh, also just have to say… do not like the dress on Charlize Theron.

CAROLINE: And what the hell is going on with Alanis Morissette?

RYAN: Holy Bejeezees! I thought it was Faith Hill at first, with Madonna hair from the “Hung Up” video. Freaky!

CAROLINE: Insane!

RYAN: Alright. Let’s go watch the show.

CAROLINE: We’re gonna watch the show now.

POST-SHOW:

RYAN: Ok. So we just finished watching and…

CAROLINE: And a great evening, I thought.

RYAN: No major upsets.

CAROLINE: Heather Ledger was sort of shocking. Everyone thought he was gonna win. And then along came Phil Hoffman.

RYAN: In another gay role. Not a major upset. I wasn’t disappointed. Now then. One thing we like to do for fun… screwing up peoples’ names, seemed to be a central theme of the Globes this year.

CAROLINE: Oh. My. God. “Hi Laura Linley.”

RYAN: Proclaimed Jamie Foxx. Then John Travolta said…

CAROLINE: Peirce “Bronson.”

RYAN: And And Gwen Paltrow kept saying…

CAROLINE: “Ant-ony” Hopkins. Someone please clarify. We need our readers to write in. Is his name actually Antony OR Anthony?!?!?!

RYAN: Baffling.

CAROLINE: Over and over, she said it with her shaky head and her horrible dress, “Antony, Antony.”

RYAN: It’s always been Anthony to me.

CAROLINE: As far as I knew.

RYAN: Overall, the show stole our thunder for mispronouncing names… took all our fun out of it!

CAROLINE: Really, really weird.

RYAN: So what do we make of…

CAROLINE: I was thrilled that “Walk the Line” won for Best Comedy or Musical, even though it’s neither a comedy nor a musical.

RYAN: And both actor and actress won.

CAROLINE: That’s correct. And that was phenomenal.

RYAN: And Reese was really cute with Ryan, when she said he hit her on the back.

CAROLINE: They’re either really, really overcompensating for the fact that their marriage sucks, or they secretly have a great marriage and no one knew.

RYAN: And my theory is that if she does go on to win the Oscar… I give them a year… till the marriage folds. Anyway, we both loved “Walk the Line.”

CAROLINE: Yes.

RYAN: Oh. And although it wasn’t for a movie… our favorite speech of the evening…

CAROLINE: Oh!

RYAN: One Steve Carrell.

CAROLINE: Phenomenal speech. Laugh out loud, funny. I’m going to re-watch it on my TiVo right now.

RYAN: Yeah. Endearing, cute, funny.

CAROLINE: I have a huge crush on him, even though he’s 5’2”.

RYAN: Drew Barrymore?

CAROLINE: And her floppy boobs?

RYAN: I would have like to have seen Harrison Ford on the red carpet, with some arrm-candy Calista Flockhart.

CAROLINE: Maybe she wasn’t there.

RYAN: One thing was… it was a big triumph for all the “Desperate Housewives” to be nominated and then all lose, hand in hand, to Mary Louise Parker.

CAROLINE: Which will do wonders for their morale on-set. If one of them had won, they’d be scratching their eyes out right now.

RYAN: Yes.

CAROLINE: Nice to see Felicitois win for…

RYAN: Trance-America.

CAROLINE: Who called it that?

RYAN: Someone announced that.

CAROLINE: But she cannot keep it together when giving her speech.

RYAN: But, you know what? Historically, leading ladies who win Best Actress, lose it during their speeches.

CAROLINE: But I hate that. Get it together. Reese held it together.

RYAN: It’s true. Oh and surprised to see Leo DiCaprio.

CAROLINE: Looking about 19.

RYAN: I also thought “Munich” should have been up for Best Picture instead of…

CAROLINE: “Match Point.”

RYAN: Yeah.

CAROLINE: And the fact Eric Bana wasn’t nominated was shocking.

RYAN: Exactly. Oh! Oh! We have to comment on the lovely product of love between Don Johnson & Melanie Griffith who couldn’t smile to save her life up there tonight!

CAROLINE: Oh! Miss Golden Globes. Stop slouching with your shoulders.

RYAN: Honey, you got the gig. Put on a happy face.

CAROLINE: Very bizarre.

RYAN: Ok final thought:

CAROLINE: I enjoyed myself, I chuckled, yelled at the TV, people looked good.

RYAN: Yeah it moved, we finished on time.

CAROLINE: That could be cuz we fast-forwarded through all the commercials.

RYAN: Oh right. And I’d just like to thank you for hosting me tonight. Yummy and fantastic and good. And we’ll see you…

CAROLINE: At the Oscars!