10,000 B.C.

CAROLINE: While I was out of town last week, you went to the screening of “10,000 B.C.” without me. I wasn’t hugely interested in this movie because it looked boyish and prehistoric. So what are your thoughts?

RYAN: First I’d like to give a shout-out and thank you to our friends at Warner Bros.: Nadia, Ella, Nick and Luke, for the screening invite. I have to admit, I’m feeling very mixed about this movie. On the one hand, the action scenes are great and entertaining and the effects are outstanding. On the other hand, the story and the acting are g’dawful.

CAROLINE: Wowza.

RYAN: No, seriously. The story is so bad, incoherent, laughable and cheesy that I’m almost profoundly offended by the script.

CAROLINE: Damn. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you speak so harshly about a film.

RYAN: Well, let’s be honest, there’s a reason no one famous is in this movie. I mean, after all, the director had previously done “The Day After Tomorrow,” “Independence Day” and “Godzilla” so he knows how to do a catastrophe film with a Hollywood heavy-hitter attached. But while this movie hit it on the catastrophe note, it totally fizzled out everywhere else.

CAROLINE: But what about the woolly mammoths that look so cool in the trailer?

RYAN: Like I said, the effects were fantastic. But too bad they couldn’t have used some kind of screen magic to make the actors look like they actually belonged in the era that this film takes place in.

CAROLINE: Yeah, that was my main beef with the trailer; all the actors look way too clean and toothy to be cavemen.

RYAN: You don’t know the half of it. The lead actress had full-on red carpet makeup throughout the movie. She has smoky eyes with eyeliner and mascara, and I was like “What the hell is going on?” It was absurd.

CAROLINE: Now I’m really glad I missed it. Anything else egregious?

RYAN: Why yes. There’s an elderly woman who plays some sort of prophetic witch doctor, but she just reminded me of The Trash Heap from “Fraggle Rock.”

CAROLINE: I’m sure that’s funny, but I didn’t watch “Fraggle Rock” so I have no clue what you’re talking about. Is it even worth it to give me a rough plot outline? Are the cavemen searching for something?

RYAN: It’s kinda convoluted, but basically competing tribes are chasing their respective prophecies. And who cares?

CAROLINE: Well, somebody does because the movie made $35 million this weekend. Bottom line?

RYAN: This movie ultimately frustrated me. I tried to sleep several times during it, but couldn’t because the effects were too cool. See it if you must, but be sure to see it on the big screen. Keep in mind; it won’t be worth it on the small screen because the effects won’t have the same impact.